Finding My Way

DID YOU SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS

Did you survive the holidays?

I think we have all either asked the question or been asked the question.  Well yesterday that is what the store clerk asked me.  As I stood there in a complete fog pondering the question completely arguing in my own head.

What!!!

Why would she ask me that question.  How weird.  Did she know? Do I respond?  Worse yet do I respond with the truth? Do I just keep standing here?  It seemed like an hours’ worth of awkward silence. 

I wanted to scream.  Did I survive?  Well, I am standing here, aren’t I? Ugh. 

She just stared at me waiting for a response.  I smiled and responded with “yeah… you?”

We finished our transaction, and I went on my way very unsettled. I couldn't get the phrase out of my head.

Did I survive the holidays?  Did you?  Let that sink in.  Really sink in.

Truth is no I didn’t “survive” the holidays (probably why the question was like a cold glass of water being thrown in my face, but well get back to that).  But, yes, I did survive by the Webster’s dictionary definition of survive:

Survive: “continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship”

Holiday “a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done:”

What!!!! Wait WHAT? a little louder.

The weird phrases we use, casually with strangers to make conversation.  Do we ever really give much thought to how these phrases may resonate with a stranger?  Probably not.  I know I wouldn’t have really thought much about until I was casually asked “Did you survive the Holidays?”  The phrase just echoed and echoed in my head.

Why do we ask strangers “How is your day?”  “Did you survive the holidays?”  “How was your weekend?”  Do we really want an answer?  What if instead of just casually responding with “oh, yeah my weekend was good” or “My day is going great?”  we actually started telling the truth.  Being completely vulnerable with the truth.

What if I would have responded with “hell no I didn’t survive, my credit cards are maxed out, I am exhausted, my family is crazy, I will never get my house clean again, and I have to go back to work!”  (making this up, but you get the idea.)

Could you have imagined the shocked look on the cashier’s face?

Nonetheless, I felt somehow guilty for responding to the clerk with “yeah” I survived.  When the truth is it had been one of the most ground shaking, emotionally dismantling, holidays I have experienced in my life.  I wish I had been vulnerable enough to respond with the truth. So that I could continue to heal on this journey of learning to be truly alone.  The truth that for two weeks I stared at a Christmas tree with no decorations on it, the truth that I was so alone in my house that I felt like the silence was crushing me, the truth that I was so worried about my son and his cancer treatment that my thoughts of worry pierced literally every ounce of “holiday” out of me. 

So now I sit doing the one thing that shows my vulnerability to the world.  I am writing about my interaction with a complete stranger that sent me down a rabbit hole evaluating words, phrases and their impact on others.

This is my takeaway.

Instead of asking strangers odd questions we don’t really want an answer to or are quite literally not ready to digest the possibility of a mouthful of truth from a stranger, try making statements like:

“The weather is great today.”

“I really like your jacket.”

“Your Milk is $1.00 off today.” 

These statements invoke conversation but do not require either party to dig deep either to decide to answer with a fake response or the truth, which most are not ready to hear anyway, and most are not willing to share.

Words and phrases.  Choose them wisely when asking questions of strangers or anyone frankly.  

You might find yourself in a situation with a person that is finding their truth and their vulnerability, and they may respond with more than a “yeah” I survived the Holidays, how about you?”

Colleen Marie DeShazer

“Finding My Way – The Reasons We Cry”